| oh jeeze |
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| 01:39pm 11/05/2008 |
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i think i'm still drunk from last night, lol. aaaand, had the nicest thing to wake up to..that is, if you think 25 missed calls and 5 voicemails from an angry roommate and his sister are nice. i guess i locked my roommate out of the house last night. this makes no sense, since i have given him all four keys to this house. i even color coded the keys. buuut, i guess this explains why he keeps waking me up to open the door in the middle of the night.. i had thought he would just come home too drunk to figure out the deadbolt (i admit, it is tricky ticky if you've been drinking, and even when your sober) i actually used to get really annoyed that he'd rather wake me up at 2 in the morning that fumble with his keys, but i didnt really care that much. until now. i know for certain, the last time i had to let him in the house, i checked his keys, and i told him he has a copy of the deadbolt key. i dont know if he forgot that he has it, or he couldnt find it in the jumble of keys that he has, but that's just frustrating as all hell to hear his angry voicemails over being locked out. what the fuck, man... |
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| Dear Nicole |
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| 01:41pm 10/05/2008 |
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Dear Nicole,
I've done a lot of thinking lately, and I thing the root of the problem is that you feel unappreciated. I really want to clarify things with you. This weirdness we've had for the past few months, I really want to squash it. I know when you came over the other day, you said you could care less if we salvaged our friendship at this point, but honestly, I really know that you do care, and I know that this is where some of the anger comes into play. The rest of the anger comes from the fact that you feel I don't appreciate you. This truly is not the case, and I'll tell you why in a minute. First though, I want to explain this week.
Monday came and went, and I ignored you and anyone else that called.Lately, the only people I have been talking to are Katie and Miriam. Truthfully and honestly, I was ignoring you. Why? Well, I know you've been on such a "positive" kick, and there's only so many times I can hear you say that you are tired of people bringing you down before I realize that the "people" you speak of is me. I never wanted or imagined that I could be such a burden, so instead, I isolate myself, in hopes that I can figure things out. Then Tuesday, I listened to my voicemail, and the messages that you left. I sent you a text, and of course, I felt like an asshole, but I didn't feel like dealing with it, so again, I didn't call you. I feel as though any time you do me a favor, it gets held against me, so I much rather have you be mad at me for something I actually did wrong. Just like when you loaned me the money for my mortgage that time, I didn't want you to have to do me yet another favor. (little did I know, you did me a favor anyways, regardless of my silence). Your kindness always comes with a price Nicole, and this time, I didn't feel like paying for it. So, I flaked. Yes, I admit, it was a dick way to go about it, but it happened, and I cannot undo it. The only thing I can do is explain it.
Now as far as the underlying reasons as to why I feel the way I do, those reasons will only cause more arguments, and I'm so done with arguing. Trust me, I know and understand your side of the story, your opinions about things, and what-not..I would just prefer to agree to disagree and put it behind me. And I know that you are probably thinking "well shit, I'll never do a favor for Jenn again because she doesn't understand the lengths that I go to for her", but seriously, I most certainly do, and I cherish it.
You are the best friend I've had next to Dennis, and I can't simply push that connection aside. It killed me when you said you could care less if we remain friends, because I could never in a million years say that I don't care about our friendship. When I say you are a member of my family, I don't say that lightly, nor do I expect you to take it lightly, and I know that you don't. I don't want to be another person on your list of "friends: that just didn't work out, because you're so much more than that to me, as I know I am to you. You're like a sister, and my best friend, and a soulmate, and we've been through so much together, I won't allow it to be cast aside easily. Yeah, I've got my resentments and issues about you, and you have the same about me, but I love you, and I want to get past all of this, because I find your friendship invaluable, and I honestly dont know what i would do without it.
What kills me the most though, is that you don't think I care or appreciate you and your friendship. This is what I want to clear up with you. It is because I appreciate your friendship so terribly much that I have this animosity. I miss being able to talk to you, to hang out and have a good times and talk about anything. I resent the fact that I cant do that anymore, I resent that you have lost patience with me. I hate the fact that I can't cry on your shoulder, or laugh for that matter. I hate the fact that I don't know who I am, I hate it that you don't either. Frankly, this is the darkest of days that I've ever seen, and I'm struggling so hard to keep my head above water, knowing that this flood of depression had already consumed me. I want to be able to ask you how your day is, how the concert went, so on and so on. And I want for you to do the same for me, but I just am so lost, I can't seem to think about anything other than holding this storm at bay.
I realized that I had become so dependant on your support that I forgot how to hold myself up, and I am trying my best to correct that. The last thing in the world I want to do is to drag anyone down, much less you, so for the past few weeks, I've been keeping to myself as much as possible so as not to negatively impact anyone, but I obviously have anyways. I miss you, I miss good times, and I miss being normal. Just please please please, show one more ounce of patience. I am working hard at working through my problems alone, and I promise I won't always be a wreck. I only ask that you extend to me the same faith that I have in you, and don't just cast me aside in frustration. You know I am a great friend because I have been in the past.. I just need to work on myself and worry about myself right now, and "do me for a change", as you always put it. Can we please call a truce and put this mess behind us? You're too dear to me to lose over something so temporary. Either way, I'll always love you, and I'll always be up for a talk.As pathetic as this sounds, all I really want or need right now is a hug, and to hear that it will be ok, despite the differences. I really miss my buddy. Love, Jenn. |
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| fuck you number two |
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| 01:43pm 09/05/2008 |
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An explanation. As far as ignoring you since Monday, yes, you are right. I have been. Frankly, I didnt feel like dealing with you. I've been extremely depressed, and since you are not capable of showing sympathy or compassion to me lately, Im taking time for myself, away from you. If there is anything at all that I have learned from you, it's how to "take a break", as you've done time and again. This time, it is me that needs a break. Funny that you should only notice the distance when you've got something going on in your life though. I've been like this towards you for a while
As of late, every time I attempt a conversation with you about what's going on in my life, all I get is negativity and criticism and closed mindedness. Not to say that some of it isn't unfounded; friends should be able to give constructive criticism, and at times, you've been helpful and accurate. If I try to bring up any dissatisfaction or criticism of my own about you, you automatically get into defense, saying "don't tell me im a horrible friend", etc. you dont even try to listen to what i have to say. when i try to tell you that i'm upset, you mock me and say "poor poor jenn" or make me feel stupid for crying, saying it's bullshit.
you're not a lousy friend, i've never said that. i recognize the fact that you are emotionally unavailable right now, and that's fine. you need a break too. i get that. yes, truthfully, i resent the fact, and i wish it were different, but i know i cant ask for something i cant give, so ive left it alone for the most part. i know you've been there for me in the past, and im trying to respect your opinions and feelings. the problem is, i feel a complete lack of respect from you in regards to my own, and that is simply unfair. |
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| fuckity fuck fuck you |
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| 01:45pm 08/05/2008 |
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as well that ends well. my friend, that did not end well at all. sooo, that means.. yeah. all is not well.
Never once did i ever complain about you being a drain on my energy. Never once did i say you complain too much, had too much drama, or that you were too much to deal with. Do you know why i never complained?
because i loved you unconditionally, and i made your problems my problems, so to speak. if you hurt, i hurt, and that was perfectly fine with me. we were the greatest of friends, you had helped me through so much, and i had helped you.
my question is, when did you stop caring? you're always telling me Jenn, you gotta do you for a change. well, shit, that's exactly what im doing now. and while i was helping you through your never ending issues, i never one heard you complain about giving too much to you. but when it comes time to give to someone else, or to myself even, you switch gears and decide that im some sort of selfish asshole, talking down about all my friends, saying they'll fuck me over in a heart beat. you think you're no different?
but you know what? it truly is ok. i had my moments when i was upset that you couldnt/didnt want to be there for me, but after some careful introspection, i realize, well shit, maybe you just dont have anything left to give. quite frankly, i dont either, so when i walk a mile in your shoes, it makes sense. im fine with that. yes, i resent that you cant help me out because i feel like ive done so much for you, and i so am in need of a dear friend, but im accepting of the fact that maybe you're not it right now. thats ok. why cant you do the same for me, dammit?
you bitch and bitch and bitch some more about the friends that drain you, they all suck you dry. well, i can take a hint. and surely, i did. i dont call you anymore, unless im in the most perfect of moods, which i must say, sucks for me because i thought we were more than just a superficial hang out. but i dont want to drag you down with my issues and sorrows, so i dont tell you about them. which means by the way, that im NOT going to fucking ask you how your day is if you're not willing to hear about mine. you say im selfish, well yes. in this case i am. but pot, you're calling the kettle black.
how in the fuck can you expect me to give something you aren't capable of giving?
get off your high horse for one minute and realize we are in the same fucking boat.im too used up and torn and lost right now to be able to "be there" for you, wherever that may be, and i do understand that the same goes for you.this is why im keeping to myself. in case you havnt realized, and i know you havent, but i dont ask any favors of you anymore. i dont look to you for comfort or ask questions or even to vent about my day. but you, you've been too consumed with yourself and your ego to realize that this has been the case for weeks now. took you long enough to miss me, didnt it? shit, ive been a complete wreck for months actually, but let me ask you, can you list even two things that have been bothering me these past few months? and the first one is an obvious no brainer. no, i dont suppose you can. . you really need to do some thinking about that. no, i haven't been the best of friends lately, but honey, you havent been a peach either. at least i give a fuck if your crying, whereas you just criticize or ignore me, or make me feel stupid for even being upset.
and as far as you not knowing who i am anymore.
well shit, i dont even know the answer to that question. i am undoubtedly, me. but who is that? im not the passive quiet, ever patient pushover anymore, true. im not the jenn that sits and listens to you scream, rant, and rave, and then tell you, "oh no dear, it's quite alright" when its all over. fuck that. you act like an asshole around me, and not expect me to say something in return? you can get out of my face with that because this doormat has retired. if im trying to have an honest conversation with you, and you roll your eyes and then mock me, saying poor poor jenn, well fuck you. get out of my house. poor poor fucking you, who perpetually wonders why it is that she cant keep a friend. well, this is why.. the pushover-me that you once knew and loved has blossomed into a bitchier, like-you version. oh, and i have you to thank for that by the way. sucks, don't it?
and the shittiest thing of all? i still love you. even if you are embarrassed of me. how fucked up is that. never did i think someone would be embarrassed of me, let alone be best friends with them. i thought i had more self respect. i know better now.
what the fuck do you call a best friend that you cant depend on for emotional spport, who ridicules you when you cry, and who doesnt give a damn about your feelings? i call that.. you. what the hell happened, and where did you go? was i a fool all this time, have you always been this selfish? i think i know the answers to those questions, and quite frankly, im tired of asking them. |
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| i want |
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| 08:50am 08/05/2008 |
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i want to travel. explore, create, migrate, be poor. just me and my stella (yes, i named my car), and a little bit of gas money. i want to have seen each of the 50 states within the next 5 years, if only long enough to collect a post card or two. i am way too confined in my current comfort zone, i want to push the limits. this year, i will make it a point to see North Carolina, New York, Arizona, and Maine. All to see family and friends and what not, but it'll be a good start on my journey. I'd love to make it to alaska to see aurora borealis, but that'll require a little more money, no car, and the courage to brave it alone. i'm up for the challenge. i want to travel, i want to spread my wings. |
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| it’s most definitely me. |
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| 01:47pm 07/05/2008 |
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i do this to myself. it has to be me. any other explanation just does not add up. i keep picking the people that dont pick me, and im still the sad little girl sitting on the front porch, waiting for the mailman that never comes. stupid stupid stupid jenn, you're better off not knowing joy at all, then to only have it for a moment. now you know what your missing.
what is is about me that makes me so forgettable and regrettable, honestly? |
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| i call you easter. |
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| 01:52pm 06/05/2008 |
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she's but a hollowed out easter egg. nice to see on occasion.
delicate to the touch, so deceivingly empty. who wants easter all year long?
one day is enough for me.
and those other 364- she's unwanted.
then finally her day comes around, and the eagerness of a child smashes open her shell. she is cast aside in disappointment, forgotten, broken, alone. no goodies, treats, sweets, not even a boring old yolk to offer.
she was nothing but a pretty shell, a nice idea, once in a while.
she reminds me of me. |
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| i deserve to be someone’s one and only, not their maybe one day. |
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| 01:51pm 06/05/2008 |
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i deserve to be someone's one and only, not their maybe one day.
and i only gave you half my heart, now i ask for half of it that back. and then again, i need half of that piece, too. and another half again, so on and so on and so on... you see, i'll never truly be able to take back all of it. my heart has a half life, and besides, it was a gift. still everyday, i take back another half of a half of a half, and every day i will hurt less. |
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| and she writes and writes and writes some more.. |
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| 01:49pm 06/05/2008 |
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so yeah, rather than spend a hundred bucks an hour on a therapist, or talk my friends into sheer exhaustion, i write.
the feelings for today? i guess you can say i am disappointed, yet relieved. and only slightly, mildly, almost insignificantly jaded (but this will pass im sure).
i was most definitely intrigued with the idea of you. yep. you, who will never read this, you, who should.
and you were most definitely intrigued with the idea of me.
unfortunately, it seems i was just that - an idea. this is all fine and good, we talked about this a lot, and if anything, the friendship makes it all worth it... im just tired of running into the Mr. Almosts or maybes or coulda shoulda woulda's. no harm, no foul, i was well aware of the hand that was dealt, feelings felt, and the like. im completely grateful for the honesty and open lines of communication and the ability to say whatever the heck i wanted to without earning a cross-eyed stare of confusion and dismay that i seem to get a lot lately. no, i do have a good many things to be thankful for. but on to the disappointment.
ah, if things were different. in a perfect world, designed by jenn, i'd be able to have all of you, to call my own, be selfish with, not let go. and in my own little world, i'd be ready for all that too. i suppose im not yet, and neither are you. i would be your maybe one day, but i want more.
or do i want less? and that is where the relief comes into play. yes, i want you, i care, i day dream, fantasize, romanticize BUT in all actuality am TERRIFIED too. of you. i say to love and to love and to love some more, but how much more would i be ready to give? i held back then, and i hold back now, with good reason, because shame on me if i foolishly give my everything up on a mere possibility. nope, not really a risk taker anymore, i'd have to know for absolute certain that my Mr. Right Now would be my Mr. Forever, and the question in my mind is always- Would i ever be able to recognize the difference? the question stands with me.
which of course, is a clear indication that i am still not ready, even if things were different, even if i was your one and only, even if..if..if.. if only.
so yes, disappointed, yet relieved, but i am jaded by the who, what, where, when, why. i know now not to settle for anything or anyone less that what i need, want, deserve, but how long has it been since i began to ponder those questions? been divorced for 2 1/2 years but i hate to admit, those questions have been floating around here and there for so much longer than that.
oh well. there's always cheap vodka and a barrel full of monkeys to keep me entertained in the mean time. |
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| Life for sale |
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| 01:48pm 03/05/2008 |
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or maybe just my condo...
This morning I awoke to my realtor politely knocking on my door. We exchange handshakes and pleasantries. I offer her a seat, and to my utter embarrassment, I notice that there's a fresh load of kitty poo on the carpet, DAMMIT kitty! Red in the face, I wip out the clorox, and she patiently waits. dammit kitty again. Now on to business. She did the math, to break even after fees, etc, i need to list my house at 156k. she shows me comparable sales that dont even come CLOSE. Either way, let's list it, i have to try at least. I know i'm wasting her time, she knows it too, but ahhh, the formalities of it all. We discuss the real estate market as i fill out disclosures, sign the listing agreement, and i struggle to hold off on those crocodile tears that seem to have taken up permanent residence behind my eyeballs. my joyous little condo, how can i love you yet hate you so very much?
and this makes we wonder, what is the price of freedom? because right now, i am a slave to the pursuit of the almighty dollar, and all the material things that go with it. work, bills, work, bills... round and round we go in this delicate dance to gain, save, spend, acquire, aspire, and to what end? the materialism is making me quite sick, from head ache to heart ache, i wish to wash my hands of it all. the price of my freedom is 4 years of hard work to be undone in a matter of weeks; looking forward to a 300 point blow to my credit, and a nice tax bill from uncle sam at the end of the year
and i must say, its worth it. or it will be. as irrational as it sounds, i feel this is the right thing to do, and i finally have faith in my future again. it may be years before i can buy another house, but really, did it make me happy the first two times around? money, or the lack thereof, has taken over my life, and im deciding to take it back and truly start living.
my faddish fantasy of the day is to take a year long couch tour with just me and my back pack. |
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| it’s been decided then. |
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| 01:53pm 28/04/2008 |
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Funny, I never in a million years dreamt that my mortgage company would tell me to miss a payment BUT...
I just spoke with them today regarding my mortgage. I simply cannot afford it, and I'm having the absolute worst time accepting defeat. Yes, 2600 per month in bills, and 1950 in income...it was bound to happen sooner or later. I dont want to rob Peter to pay Paul anymore. So, this month is the first month in a really long time that I will not be able to pay all my bills. Even when I was unemployed, I always managed, but its finally caught up. Struggling to pay for a house I cant afford really is not what my life should be about, so I've done my research, got all of my cards out on the table, and I'm playing my hand. Since I have not fallen behind as of yet, my lender can't do anything for me..this week at least. They wont take partial payments either, so the guy suggested that I just hang on to my money, and wait to default. In another week or two, I have to call back and begin loss mitigation. They will either lower my interest rate, adjust my term/payments, or grant me a forbearance(let me skip some payments) based on the financial paperwork I submit. In the meantime, I am to list my house for sale with a realtor. I have an appointment Sat. Morning to go over details. Depending on what she says, I'll then begin to make the repairs/upgrades needed in order to sell my house. Over a period of 90 days, if I cannot sell for what I owe, I will have to progressively lower the asking price in order to qualify for a deed in lieu transaction. Based on wheather or not I sell, short-sell, or sign over the deed, I will then have a chat with a tax accountant to find out how to file for insolvency and see what Uncle Sam will expect of me at the end of the year. Then, I have to have a chat with Nate tonight to tell him I've decided to sell. :( Sometimes, I think it'd just be easier to throw in the towel and file chpt 13, but I ABSOLUTELY REFUSE to give up. This seems the lesser of two evils since I will still be doing the responsible thing and working off my debt, rather than just discarding it entirely.
As backwards as it seems, I feel better having a game plan rather than just aimlessly floating on what if's. And I've got a job interview tomorrow, unfortunately it is for selling life insurane, but hey, I'm considering it a warm up for something better. |
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| this isn’t me... |
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| 01:54pm 26/04/2008 |
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this really truly isnt me
its some one else entirely
afraid to smile
or even grin
another left hook
to the chin
empty,hollow
misconstrued
worn out, beat up
and abused.
tired of trying
to do whats right
havent even
begun to fight
such a pity
and a bore
loser, loner
emo whore
but this really truly isnt me
at least not in its entierty |
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| and exploration into the "L" word |
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| 01:59am 25/04/2008 |
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So today's dainty diatribe: Love. How in the hell to define such an amorphous "idea". To my surprise and delight,someone dropped the L bomb on me last night. and yes, i dropped it right back because dude, why not? Of course, upon waking up today, i experienced a mild panic-stricken frenzy of "what the f@ck did i just do?" type of torment, but after exploring my feelings, i still arrived at the same conclusion of dude, why not?
From a religious perspective, you're supposed to love everyone. From a realist perspective, love is another four letter word only to be spoken is extreme cases of duress. From Jenn's perspective, well, straddle the fence with me for a minute.
Personally, I love love. One tiny word covers just about everything I think. I love the cup of coffee i'm drinking, i love my friends, i love my cat, i love sleeping and being awake, i love family. crying, laughing, money, humility, the random bum on the side of the road with the toothless grin, the sunshine, kindness from strangers, rainy days, empty pockets, pine cones, and wardrobe malfunctions. All of these things elicit a different and unique kind of love from me, and i struggle at the simplicity and diversity of the word - i find it painfully confusing and exciting. especially when it's applied to people.
example, i love my mom differently than i love my sister or my best friends or myself (or heaven forbid, a boyfriend, lol) but is it not the same emotion? it is the same word, but the meaning changes so drastically with each person i categorize it with.
I know i've heard people say this a million and one times, " i love you, but im not IN LOVE with you", AHHHH, figure that one out, would you? Lord knows, i've used it myself, but what precisely does it MEAN? On one hand, it'd be great to just say, "I love you" to everyone, and have them know exactly what version of love is meant when those words are spoken, but on the other hand, if you run around saying it to world, it loses value, words become cheap. And theeeeen...when you do find that special someone, what word do you use to convey that you are, in fact, head over heels "in love". you could always double it up, and say, "no, really, i LOVE love you" but man, that can get complicated.
this is why i propose that this illusive little word needs to be split up, sub-categorized, redefined. yes, true, there are are already variations of it around.. for instance, it is understood that saying the phrase "Love ya" is a less committal version of "i love you", often attached at the end of an email or text message from a potential love interest when you want to express that you care, but don't want to seem like a psycho. then there's the phrase "i wuv you" that kids use (or at least i did) when expressing their feelings to mom and dad, but saying the L word just is too grown up for their little mouths to muster. There is also L.Y.L.A.S. (love you like a sister) that can be found at the bottom of the chain-mails that get sent out to all your girlfriends, or I heart you, when all you want to do is be cute on a valentines day card.
Yes, this is a splendid idea indeed, this written word modification. Funny though, the weird looks I would get if i would go up to one of my girlfriends, hug them, and say "lylas". (and how do you pronounce that, anyways?)
i'd say that my buddy merriam webster and i need to team up and sort out the confusion, but damn, go look up love in the dictionary. 9 different entries, and one involves tennis? , lol no wonder the world is confused.
there is an underlying story to all this talking in circles, by the way. ill get to the point.
ive known a lot of love, and ive known the loss of it, an i wish it could be simple. this is how the L bomb got dropped last night, and im trying to sort out how i feel about it. i was talking to chuck before going to bed, we say good night, and a minute or two passes. the phone rings, and on the on other end of the pone is chuck. he gushes the words, "i love you" in the most earnest of ways, and i could feel the sincerity in his voice. to this i responded, a little hesitantly, " i love you, too chuck". just picture the billion questions and alarm bells firing off in my brain, along with a a pleasant mix of happy fuzzy tingly feelings..quite the cacophony of thoughts in a matter of seconds. the hesitation did not come from not knowing if i love him, i do. the hesitation came from not knowing what version of love did we just express to each other? ive heard those words come out of his mouth before, in a drunken spout here and there, but the tone was of the friendly variety, the "i love you, man" that you say to your peeps when having a blast and a mushy moment. and the couple times i have heard it, i of course, deflected it as quickly as possible because i knew the meaning and thought it harmless if adequately ignored. the tone last night was different, and completely unavoidable. being the first and only words out of his mouth, there was no way to safely segue onto another topic without being an evasive asshole. so, after my utterance, and a little pause, i half whisper.. do you really mean that? i was quite queasy then, because in that question, i implied that did in fact have a lot of value to what i just said. but, since the phrase in question does have such a wide range of uses and meanings, clarification was a definite must, and something that scares the oodles out of my noodles. il tell my friends all day long i love them and not think twice because the meaning is already implied, but this friend is different. this friend is.. *gasp* a love interest. awww, dang it! wtf? im supposed to be the impenetrable wall of denial, but yes, chuck has managed to knock away quite a few of those bricks, and its kind of nice to realize that im not permanently damaged and broken, as previously thought.
then the explanations begin. you know, the usual, i don't love you like this, that, and the other, i love you but im not IN LOVE with you, but i do have this measure of love for you, but dont mistake it for this, but its so much more that that, so on and so forth. and this dance with words and emotions, it's fun and scary, but it makes me wish for a dictionary. each love is as unique as a thumbprint, and it'd be nice to be able to explain something so simple a lot less.
the really cool thing was, we're both on the same page as far as the love thing goes... excited about the possibility that we could take it a step further if circumstances were different, and if we did, the greatness of it all, and if we didn't, still the greatness of it all. the level of the honesty and acceptance is something im so not used to, and i like it. nay, i love it, lol. ive never talked about falling in love with someone before, certainly not with someone im interested in..usually i just fall, and land flat on my face. but im comfortable enough to express my hopes and fears about the L word, on one hand daydreaming, saying "well, it could be this way, and wouldnt it be awesome if?" but on the other hand, keep it totally real and say " hey, it may not happen" but be totally cool with the outcome either way. i suppose that is loving without expectation, and let me tell you, it's so much less stressful, than my usual co-dependent "need" to have someone to love and be loved by, my usual, i want to be loved so let me force it in whatever way possible. nope, im just merely accepting that i am loved by someone, just simply for the sake of it and nothing more, and what ever happens, happens. if nothing at all, ive gained a life long friend, and ive discovered im not broken, and that in itself was a much needed lesson, and i am greatful.
so seriously, i say, why not? i love you too. now the only thing left to figure out is what happens when i do fall head over heels for someone one day? since the i love you's are so readily exchanged, i must create a stronger version of the word. eh. guess ill just have to double it up. throw in an exponent. delete the word from my vocabulary in it's entirety and replace it with a symbol. kinda like prince, but much cooler.
dictionary to follow. |
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| Great morning! |
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| 08:49am 23/04/2008 |
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So i kinda woke up on the wrong side of bed this morning.. eh, figured i'd work it out in the usual fashion by hopping online and writing it out. not a horrendously bad mood, i 'spose i just needed to shake off the dreams from last night, no biggie. a couple of positive affirmations later, and i decide to check my fundraising page for the AIDS walk.. holy canoli! Im crying right now because two people who didn't even know my uncle have sponsored me in my walk on Sunday, and it gives me great joy to know that people care and can be self-less. ahhhh, today is a great day! |
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| life coach... or prozac? |
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| 10:06pm 16/04/2008 |
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heh, picky lil question there.. i was sitting here on my patio, chatting with my roomie, and after speaking with him, i realized the logic some people may have in seeking out a life coach. i was thinking to myself, "wow, it's be really nice to have someone around to give me a nice motivational kick in the ass now and again. i always feel so much better after having a talk with a friend, helping me sort out various thoughts, perspectives, annoyances, whatever. ooor, i could see a shrink and get some happy pills. daddy always says, "better living through chemicals", lol.
not that im unhappy or messed up.. just i have a lot of decisions to make its hard to do it alone. im so excited at the chance to prove myself, yet to utterly terrified at the same time.
im just the little Dory fish, just keep swimming, just keep swimming..
seriously though, i am slowly coming to terms with the realization that maybe i am better off alone..not in the depressing, woe is me kinda way, i mean in the "i am wonder woman and i need to do it by myself" way. take today for example. bouncing around in my car, from docs office to docs office, listening to my tunes, and im deliriously happy. theres a nice cool breeze blowing, no cloud in the sky, and ive got my yummy cup o' caffination.. all set in my own little bubble, and i loove it. and im thinking my day's so good, ill go home and do some meditation, get in my chill out zone, perfection.
then i talk to nicole, she's feeling like having a spiritual night too, she just has to study first, and she'll call me. ok, this is great, i miss my spiritual days shared with friends, so i go home, watch some tv, and wait. well, i talk to her after a few hours, she's still busy. that's cool with me. few hours later, now im annoyed, wasting my evening waiting around and getting annoyed and disappointed, wishing i hadnt let her being busy wreck my mood. yeah, i woulda liked a phone call at least, but i should have just done my own thing instead and not let someone else bother me. im not really upset that we didnt hang out, i am upset with my reaction to it. 10 times out of 10, ill choose to do an activity with someone else, instead of choosing myself and being self reliant. yes, i am codependant. arg. i have to remind myself, well what is so bad with just hanging out with myself? soooo, silly example as this may be, it helped me to realize that i allow other people to distract me from myself way too much. the lesson plan of the week? i will seek solitude and have some quality time with me.
no computer, no tv, no life coach, no prozac. (at least for a couple hours, lol) |
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| minidreams |
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| 01:58pm 12/04/2008 |
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many many mini dreams, all of which are very odd
over the course of the last 2 weeks, ive dreamt about practically everyone i know.. my brain seems to be taking a people inventory.
last night, i dreamt of easter baskets. an entire store, devoted to easter, and as i walked up and down the isles, almost all they sold were peppermints. no bunnies or jellies or gummies. just a hundred different kinds of peppermints, and 1 orange cadbury egg. i picked out an easter basket, they were all the same basket that nic had gotten me, but i had to choose one still (guess i didnt realize they were all the same), and i picked out 6 each of 2 kinds of peppermint for nicole. i was stressed, because i wanted to put together the best basket, but they didnt have anything she liked. then i noticed, at the back of the store, different things for halloween. i threw a couple more things in the basket that i thought she might have a chance at liking, and i left the store, dissatisfied and confused.
another dream i had last night was that i was sitting out on my patio with my laptop and my smokes, fiddling around on myspace. i was reading the blog i had written about chuck, trying to sort out my feelings, and then i realized, he was standing right there, reading it kinda over my shoulder, with a confused or upset look on his face. i turned around and asked him, "oh, do you want to read this? i wrote it about you, but i never sent it to you because it wasnt ready" he looked away, and we continued on, sitting on my patio, feeling a little weird and uncomfortable and quiet.
i also dreamt about confronting my mother. i wanted to know why she turned her back on me/us as a child. i kept asking why, and she kept resisting the questions, and i began to raise my voice, a little louder each time, trying to elicit a response. i already knew the answers to my questions, but i needed for her to make those admissions to me, so that i could accept and move on. "mom, why did you allow that to happen to me? you knew about it, i know you knew what he was doing to us because we told you. so WHY?" and finally my mother said she really had wanted to leave him when he went to california. this made me scream and scream at her "but you didnt leave him! why! tell me why! how could you allow that to happen?" i wanted to hear her answer so desperately, but i knew i never would, and the dream ended with both of us feeling hostile and abandoned.
i also dreamt i was reading statistics or figures about pregnancy. i guess it was a paper about me, showing that i wasn't barren, but the paper had some sort of formula it used, factoring in my personal life, my past, my emotions, my family history, genetics, all kinds of weird factors that really could never be quantified, but in the dream, all these things were taken into consideration to calculate my chances of ever having a child, and i was so incredibly sad to read these results, because they were telling me my worst fears would come true. ill never have a family, that i was simply just incapable of being loved enough, that i had a .05% chance of having white picket fences, and i stared at that paper forever. .
i also dreamt that i hung out with . that i hadnt seen her in years but it was just like old times. |
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| Positive Affirmations of a Broken Heart |
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| 01:57pm 12/04/2008 |
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I deserve to be someone's first choice.
I wait for no one.
I am not the fall-back plan or the rebound girl.
I deserve the world, and I will not settle for anything less.
I am beautiful, confident, and able to take on the world.
I am everything you'll ever want or need, and then some.
I look at you, and everything melts away. |
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| chuck |
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| 02:00pm 11/04/2008 |
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I am at a loss as to what to say or do. I don't know what is my place and what is not, I don't know when to fight or pull away.. every one else's opinions and ideas seem so much better than my own. So of course, in my usual fashion, I hold them dear, yet discard them all, and do what I always do. I write. And talk. And write and talk and so on and so forth. This must be the fifth revision of my trying to "sort it all out", and my fingers keep striking the same few words over and over again, avoiding the most important factor of them all- me. I type and reiterate already what I've told you, that it'd be ok no matter what, that we'll always be friends, that I just want to see you happy with whatever choice you make.. and just maybe there's a little bit more to me than that, that I've been leaving out. Yes, all of the above is true, but in my neutral, unbiased ways, I've left myself out of the equation. To be fair to myself, I need to admit a few things.
I've told you that I care for you- well of course, I care for you like I care for all my friends; this is a given. The reality of it though, is I care for you so much, so fast, that it scares the piss out of me. I've been so afraid of having hopes or becoming attached to someone for so long, and so steadfast about it all, I truly thought I had built a wall so solid that I'd never let anyone in. Then, there's you. Like the water, you found a way to seep in, and completely melted away all of my defenses. When you looked at me, all the negative lessons I had learned about life and relationships just disappeared, and I felt as though I went to all of the garbage I went through specifically for those moments with you. The past seemed to make sense, and I could then let it all go. Yeah, I know, scary shit right there.
And all that scariness, isn't fear. It's an unknown excitement that I haven't quite felt before, it was hope and joy and a sense of purpose and reason and "rightness".
I've told you that it's cool to know that no matter what, we can remain friends, with whatever choices you make. It really is exciting to think that, but the reason behind it? I feel as though we click so well, we could overcome anything really. In whatever capacity, I feel as though you're meant to be in my life. Yes, we can be friends, but I truly see and want for so much more than that with you. I don't have expectations, but I do have dreams and wants and hopes. I know I could make you crazy happy, and I know you could and would do the same to me, and I'm certain you feel the same way. But, I don't ever focus on what "could be" when I talk to you, because I know you've got so many other stresses in your life right now that I couldn't bear to add to your burden. That, and maybe a little self defense of my own mixed in..
I also told you that I will pursue you, if I have a reason. Well, that one is a half-truth. I already do have reason; I want so badly to be able to have a chance with you. It's the fear that holds me back. I'm afraid that I'll never be able to compare to what you have or what you've had. You're children and Patty will always come first, and rightly so, and I will never be able to measure up to that (nor would I expect to). I fear that the chance you take with me will always be overshadowed by the "what i f's" you may think about when it comes to your family if you were with me. I would never want you to doubt the decisions that you make, even though neither is the right or wrong decision, it's still a decision nonetheless. I fear that if I try to pursue you, it will push you away or breed resentment in the future if you've decided that I was the wrong choice. So instead, I wait. I give you unbiased opinions and guidance, I'll never judge or criticize, I encourage you to do whatever it is that makes you happy, regardless of me; I take myself out of the equation. What makes you happy is, after all, not my choice, not Patty's, not anyone else's but yours. That's what I truly hope you realize, that you have much more control than you think.
Today was a good day, tomorrow probably will be too. Take each day as it comes, and see how things go. I do not know what your tomorrow holds, but I can tell you that my idea of "tomorrow" makes me want to wake up in the morning and say, "man, this is awesome". |
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| 02:01pm 03/04/2008 |
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as i turn loneliness into solitude
the silence becomes reprieve
the quietness, i breathe...
what is it that im searching for?
yes, i am lonely. we all know this.
but what is the fix?
my life feels like a box of puzzle pieces that im afriad to put together because something may be missing.
i am janus again, my two faces barking at one another.
my heart sings for change and movement-i feel it in my bones.
my head says ive been through this, the pattern is well known.
a boy, a job, a house, a car, 8 years, and a thousand miles of disappointment...
equals what?
ill never give up on this pursuit for happiness, but is it the pursuit that i want?
the many voices over the the years echo in my head today. they all say the same thing. i have no identity, i am a chameleon, i have no follow through, i give up too easily, i do this to myself, i dont know what i want. and to each of them, i have replied "but you simply just dont know me, dont care enough, dont love, live, laugh, learn like me". is it them, or me? my heart tells me im right, i do know what i want and will have it. i do know who jenn is, and it is not this. my head tells me, you cant argue with the masses. here’s the conundrum. are each of these people uniquely different in the way that they perceive me, or are they all part of the same pattern that i have farmed and raised to object and block me away; self imposed adversity? are they all my comfortable old shoe syndrome?
when the echoes are still, and i am at peace with myself, i know the answers to all these questions, and i am strong and independent. logically, i could cast them all aside and be perfectly fine and perfectly me. except 1 thing prevents me from doing that. my inescapable fear of being alone. i need people. not want.. i want them less and less as i get older. it simply boils down to the codependent NEED i have of human contact and love and support. this need keeps me going back to the patterns, keeps me dissatisfied and in a perpetual state of wanting more. yes, i do settle. i blend. i am a chameleon. but i am also something much greater, and hopefully i will be able to show that to you one day. show it to myself.
my faddish fantasy of the day is to make them all go away to be ok. |
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| aaahh.. a brew and a bitch fest... |
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| 02:02pm 02/04/2008 |
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man, nothing like a brew and a bitch fest to calm the nerves...
today sucked royal donkey dung, but the day is over, and jenn is still ok. :)
not that anything bad happened, i just have come to the realization that i bring so much garbage onto myself without realizing, and it breaks my confidence. SUCKS sucks sucks because its been such a long, arduous uphill battle to gain any confidence at all, let alone the stellar reviews i am now able to lavish upon myself as of late. soooooo, this makes me want to write a little about self image, and the inaccuracies it may or may not have. I feel like i am a calm, patient, understanding, caring, non-judgmental, ever-loving person. i like that self evaluation. i think others may see me that way as well. also, i feel like if i offered you my hand in friendship, you’d never want for more because i give it my all, unconditionally, unfailingly. weeeeeeeell, thats what i think anyhows. other people see me differently. other people being specifically a few someones elses that i care not to name because this is, after all, a bitchfest. to others, i am an indecisive drain on energy that is not worth the effort. MAN. that stellar review just turned into.. um.. something a little less.
eh-solution to this conflict? i ’spose i do "give it my all" a little too much. i’ll let a bitch drain me til there’s nothing left and say "it’s ok honey, as long as you feel better". i should pull back and give a little less, love a little softer.. but how?
thats not me. the people i love, i cant help it. the damage is done and im stuck loving them forever (yeah, ya losers, you got me). i do have a pattern of throwing love at people that are selfish and nonreciprocating.. as my dad would say "plastic", but they’re not ALL bad, else i wouldnt care about them. but for future reference, dad and miriam, i know exactly what you’re saying, and ill pay closer attention next time i decide to love someone. heheheh, told miriam today during the bitch fest "ah, ill just clone myself, at least ill have enough patience to deal with me! no, it’s not an ego thing.. ok, maybe it is". 2nd solution is to tear down the ego i guess. maybe im not as easygoing as i thought, so ill keep that in mind too. i really dont think im thaaaaat bad of a friend though, and that i deserve at least a little patience in return for the hours ive given. but there’s me having expectations. i know better than that and always say that the happiest people in life live without them. so, in brief. im sorry my friend, if my friendship was an inconvenience and if i needed help one or twice. i wont ask again, and |
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oedipusending's journal